As it is World Suicide Prevention Day it seemed like an appropriate time for this blog post. The theme this year is “Working Together to Prevent Suicide.” So if anyone could share this blog post to get it out there I will be extremely grateful. Over 800,000 people take their own life each year so it is important to raise awareness and get people the help they need.
If you are a relative or close friend, you may wish to stop reading this blog post as I will be talking about times I was at my lowest and most vulnerable. It may be uncomfortable reading for you.
The important part of this post is the recovery and the fact I am proof that no matter how low you can get there is always a way forward. When you are in a vulnerable state it is hard to see a way out, but it does get better.
I was 19 years of age, this day I had been planning for quite some time. Just needed the house to myself so I could carry out my plan. The day started like any other, I woke up about midday like the average teenage bum with no job, went into town and picked up my usual Greggs breakfast, said hello to a few people and headed straight back.
At this point in my life I was spiraling. Everything seemed to be going wrong and I held myself responsible for it all. I didn't have many friends, and no real life experience to know better. I'd started self harming as a way of punishing myself for all the problems I thought I had caused. I didn't get a buzz out of it like some do. It hurt. I carried on thinking it was what I deserved. The same shard of glass I carried around with me everywhere for months. Until eventually harming myself just wasn't enough.
The simple truth is that I was lost and I didn't want to exist anymore. I thought if I erased myself from the equation then all the problems would go away with me. I can see how people think it is a selfish act, but in my head there was nobody that would miss me, nobody that would care. I would be taken away in a bag and people would just get on with their lives.
So quite simply I took out a pile of bedsheets and tied them together. I had the spot ready, I knew there would be someone home at the end of the day to find me. In the moment I wasn't nervous, I didn't cry The only emotion I remember feeling was anger. Anger towards myself for all the pain I had caused. I just wanted everything to stop. So I put the sheets around my neck, tightened them up and froze.
The most important part of my story that I want to get out there is the fact that 13 years later I am in a much better place. With the correct help it is possible to get through anything. In recent years my circle of friends has changed a lot and I am surrounding myself with positive people who love and support me. The mind is so complex and so fragile and with the right support it is possible to move forward and out of the darkness you find yourself in.
As hard as it was to write this, it is important that the world opens up more about feelings. Far too many lives have been lost to suicide and a lot of that is down to the fear of opening up. The stigma attached to suicide needs to be removed, and the people suffering need to feel comfortable enough to ask for help.
I went too long without asking for help, I guess I didn't really know how to ask or who to turn to. I just bottled all my feelings up and let them boil over.
If you are feeling low, no matter how ridiculous it seems, go and get help. Speak to someone and start your journey to recovery. The feelings you have right now won't last. No matter how much pain you are in right now, you are not alone. If you have a friend or relative you think seems a little off, check in on them. You never know what is going on in peoples heads. You just have to look at the media to see some of the great talented people that have took their own lives.
Be kind to one another and together we can make it through.
For urgent help you can call the Samaritans on 116 123
Thankyou for taking the time to read this