There's always been one day of my life that I keep forgetting about, which is odd because it has played such a big part on the reasons I have anxiety issues. Maybe I've pushed it that far back that it's just become irrelevant. Even when I was at counselling I didn't mention it.
Whatever the reason it's story time...
May 2006, Age 18
Today would be the first time I would go to a gay bar. I was totally pumped. Group of single gays surrounded by more single gays. What was not to like?
We had to nip to the train station to pick up a friend. The two of us were walking down to the station, middle of the day. Not realising that we were being followed by a group of young lads. We'd got onto the platform, people everywhere but they didn't care. They ambushed us anyway. My friend got the worst of it. I stood in terror with no idea how to defend myself and no courage to fight back.
Physically I was fine. Mentally however this would effect me for years.
I've no idea why they followed us. Perhaps because we were gay, maybe it was just chavs looking to cause trouble for the thrill. It didn't matter really. I was scared and would remain scared for the foreseeable. I couldn't leave the house on my own, my Mum had to escort me to bus stops. Looking back I am quite embarrassed. Whenever I saw a group of young lads together I had to cross to the other side or turn back.
A few weeks later they saw me again in town. Told me I should leave town and never return. It felt like something out of a cowboy film.
The police came round and took statements and later on I went into the station to do a video identification on one of the attackers who has seen been referred to as 'pug dog'
Not much came from it but the police were very supportive.
Physical scars are much easier to heal than mental ones. If something bleeds you can stick a plaster over it. You can't do that to your brain. It takes time to heal and move on and everyone heals at a different pace. This event definitely broke me and has been a major part in my social anxieties. But my anxieties don't define me and certainly won't stop me living my best life.
If you are reading this and have any similar stories feel free to share them, send me a message and we can talk them out.
Also, I still made it to the gay bar. I discovered a love for club music and Malibu. All things considered we had a great night.
As always, thanks for stopping by xo